I search for the place that is Enough.
It feels like a faraway frontier.
A foreign destination.
if search for it on Google can I pinpoint the location? Find exactly how many miles away it lies and step by step instructions to arrive?
I don't know where it sits on the map, but I know it exists within a mountain range somewhere among the peaks Too Much and Not Enough.
Enough, too, is a mountain to climb. And though it feels far, I seek the path that will lead me to the summit.
But the terrain is treacherous, hidden by low-hanging clouds. I walk blindly, winding back and forth between the two towers. Exerting magnificent force to pull myself up over the boulders and obstacles in my way somehow only to end up descending back to valley, stuck somewhere in between
Too Much and Not Enough.
Their faces stare back at mine and from beneath them I know the shape of both mountains well.
Too Much looks like brutal force, feeling misunderstood, lying and hiding my true self behind a shield of what is acceptable. It is being told that I am too confident, too much woman to handle, that my behavior and strength is intimidating and I have to tone it down to be accepted by the world around me.
Not Enough is equally harsh; flooding my mind with fierce insecurities, reminders of my many mistakes and flaws. It wants to drown me in the lake of doubt and judgement as I compare myself to others, believing the message that I will never measure up.
The trail is lonely as I zig zag along the switchbacks feeling in some ways too strong and yet at the same time, too strong.
The steep climb leaves me out of breath and exhausted with self loathing. On both slopes I encounter familiar foes: shame, fear, unworthiness. I battle them, confused. Tired, marred, and covered in dust I put one foot in front of the other and trust that I am moving in the right direction.
I can see Enough on the distant horizon, glowing gold in the setting sun.
And wonder as a I wander,
Will I ever arrive?
My heart is my compass
The journey seems long
And although I am tired
I press on.